Not going to be an easy week for me. Between Thanksgiving and my Birthday, I can't imagine doing these two days without you again. I was too numb last year to feel the way I feel now. I always looked forward to these holidays and especially Christmas, now I hate them. I told Mom I don't want a Birthday cake either, way too many memories of you. Thanksgiving it will just be the usual, nothing has changed there. My Birthday, the same thing. I think I'm going to send Grandma something for your Anniversary so she can smile at least once that day. Just going to be a bad week all around.
SENDING LOTS OF LOVE AND HUGS,
LOVE ALWAYS GRANDMA, MOM AND ME
Gramps, if it wasn't for Grandma, I wouldn't be doing a thing for the holidays. I would get so excited for the holidays and now I want them to come and go already. I tried to get Grandma's gifts done with already so I can avoid the holiday songs in the mall. I don't have a festive bone in my body anymore. I will put up Grandma's new tree and that's about it for your house. No way can I do what I did before. I heard a majority of everyone is going to your house for the day. Kind of makes me sick thinking of it. We haven't had it in your house since I was a little girl. And being with everyone isnt what I want, rather be alone. I already said I need to see how I feel the morning of since I'm not myself anymore. This is the second Christmas without you and I honestly feel worse now. I was too numb last year. I told Mom, I don't even want a Birthday cake. Every Birthday we have pictures of you standing next to me helping me the cake right up to my last Birthday with you. Your Dolly is getting old, was thinking of all the jokes you would make if you were here with me for my 31st Birthday. I'm going to bed, have a migraine again. Love and miss you to the moon and back. See you in my dreams Little One
This is the weekend that I would decorate for Christmas for you. Decorating outside was always an all day thing because you would find it hysterical that once the lights were hung up they turned out to be the ones that weren't working. The last time I decorated for you, I will never forget how once the outside was all decorated and we went to plug in the lights they were all not working. Of course you laughed since it was your notation on the lights that read 100% and I thought they were 100% working. Even though you never could sit still when I decorated and always drove me nuts with the decorating, it still was always a good laugh and good time. Now that your not here, I wont be decorating outside any longer since that was always my thing to do with you. Grandma just said the other day she doesn't even want me to touch any of the decorations because they all remind of her of you and its too sad. I know you would still want me to decorate so I decided to buy Grandma her own pre-lit tree that resembles the one that I will bring to the cemetery in December. Mom got Grandma her own ornaments and tree skirt. Grandma loved the idea and I will start my own tradition with Grandma. She doesn't even want the tree in the same place anymore. I don't even care about the holidays anymore but I have to do it for Grandma. Stacey has been doing the cutest thing lately..she keep going up to the pictures of you that I just displayed recently and kisses it and then sits next to it with her paw on it. She misses you too. I miss you terribly Gramps, haven't been the same since your one year and now with the damn holidays approaching again its making me sick. The only thing keeping me sane are my dreams each night of you. I tell Mom how real they are that its so surreal. Its like your still here with me each night in my dream. My one wish is that I get these dreams forever. I miss you and love you to the moon and back Little One
A year ago today my life was changed. You always had a huge impact on my life. You were one of the few people in this world that I knew would be there with no questions asked. I feel numb today, I still can't believe its been one year that I haven't seen you and haven't talked to you. It feels as though it was just yesterday you were here with me. Losing a person your so close to is the worst pain in the world. This has been such a difficult year for me to even accept the fact that I cant pick up the phone each and every day and talk to you. I have this empty pain inside. The last few days I keep going back to what I had to see in the hospital those last few minutes but I can hear your voice in my head saying to just think of how you said your last words to me. For the last year I must have said at least 100 times I wish I wasn't there to witness what I did because that's what's making this even harder but a few close friends have said I would've felt worse not being there. Danielle just told me yesterday that it made sense for me to be there at the end since you were always there for me when I needed you and I know you needed to know someone close was there that day. We had a bond that no words can describe. You can look at me and I can look at you and just know what joke was coming out next. Besides the joking around, you helped turn me into the good hearted woman I am. I have morals and a big heart because of you.
I don't think some people can grasp the pain I've been in but I realized lately they wont get it until they lose one of the most important people in their life. I still don't know how to deal with losing you, I know it takes time but I can honestly say life wont be the same. Even down to going to get coffee, I miss taking you for lattes and gossiping. When I'm driving, I would do anything to see your adorable face in my mirror. I miss that annoying whistle you would do and then laugh about. If I ever have kids one day I cant wait to share all the funny stories we had and personal jokes. Everywhere I go and everything I do reminds me of you. Everyone tells me to focus on the memories but it makes my heart break more each time. I always knew I had you, Grandma and Mom there automatically for everything. Each birthday, holiday, graduation, recital, honor society, everything good and bad in between my whole life. You were there on a daily basis to just talk too. You knew every time I had something going on. It could be a fight with a friend or guy problems. You knew the right thing to say to make me feel everything would work out well in the end with every aspect of my life. I wish I had that now but there is no right thing anyone can say. You were such a rare gem, people aren't like that anymore. You had the heart of an angel. You were so loving, generous and caring and always had kind things to say about people. I know how blessed I was to have you for 29 years of my life. At that age to still have a grandpa is a blessing. Its a bigger blessing to know how close we were. Strangers in the hospital came to me that day and felt my pain, they said they saw the love we had. I'm real choked up today, nothing new there but I need to pull myself somewhat together and be there with Grandma today, the way you would want it. Just like the first Christmas without you, I gathered up strength to actually make it nice for Grandma. I sent her flowers to make her smile. Mom and I try to do things to put a smile on her face. We know your proud how we have been there for Grandma this year. Your love for Grandma was a rare, beautiful love that not a lot of people experience so we are taking good care of her for you. I'm crying hysterically again so I will leave you with only you know how much I miss you and how it kills me inside to not have you here. This day is going to take a toll on me but the way you got me through the wake, funeral and cemetery and all the first holidays without you, I know you will get me through today without having a major breakdown. I miss you and love you with every fiber of my being. To the moon and back I love you Little One.
Love your sidekick Dolly
It's almost time...it's very near,
In half an hour...one whole year...
And no one knew there'd be no choice,
To see you smile, to hear the voice...
That, all these years, had helped them through...
The heart so innocent and true.
And though you walk with them each day,
I very often hear them say,
" I wonder where he is right now...If only we could touch somehow!"
So, Vincent, with your eyes so bright,
Next time you visit, hold them tight!
And when the LOVE within you sings,
Enfold them in your precious wings!
To let them know it can't be changed..it can't be lost or rearranged,
To leave the place where they have been,
They only need to let you IN!
With the hope that each day...more and more you will feel the presence of this extraordinary love that you have been given and allow a conversation...allow it to bring you peace. Maxine
